Creating a Defensive-Free Workplace 🤝
People have a hard time dealing with defensiveness. The slightest whiff of it and they’re convinced that things will end badly. Then they either give up or get overly aggressive. Neither is a winning strategy. In order to make an impact they may need some feedback that is hard to hear though. Here’s how to think about defensiveness so you can deal with it head on:
It’s Only Human
According to Harvard Professor Chris Argyris, there are two predictable ways defensiveness plays out:
People get defensive but the conversation is still making progress. This is absolutely normal when people feel they may look bad, are disappointed in themselves, or think they may be “in trouble”. Don’t take it as a sign that something is wrong, but rather that you’re making progress.
People can get so defensive that nothing is getting through. This may come from a flaw in your approach or it may mean there’s a bigger issue at play. Take a break and come back to it another time and by handling in a different way.
Bottom Line: Defensiveness is par for the course when people face hard truths. When it happens, remind yourself this is just part of the process. Don’t sweat it. Do take steps to handle it.
Please Do :
Raise the issue. Even if someone might get defensive.
Acknowledge the discomfort. Make it discussable.
Thank the other person for engaging in the conversation.
Manage your own defensiveness. Listen to their perspective. Even if it’s painful!
Take a break if you’re stuck and schedule a time to come back to it.
Please Don’t:
Beat around the bush. Hidden agendas put people on their guard.
Make the same point over and over. Piling on only increases defensiveness.
Expect complete agreement right away. People need time to take things on board.
Label people as “defensive”. Assuming everything is their fault won’t help you get to the real issues.
Try to psychoanalyze the person. Freud is over-rated and you’re not a shrink.
Quick Wins
Pick two people that you have avoided because of concerns around defensiveness.
Schedule an appointment to chat with them now. Don’t wait.
Use the tips and example phrases. They work.
Observe their behavior over the next period and look for progress.
Celebrate success. It matters!
Example Phrases:
Finding the right words in the moment can be hard. Here are some that work. Practice first. Then make them your own.
“I appreciate you talking with me about this. I know it’s not easy, but I think it’s important.”
“It seems like you’re upset. Can we talk about what’s happening?”
“I can understand how this might be hard to hear. If it’s okay, I’d like to continue discussing it and hear your take.”
“It feels like we’re stuck. Let’s take a break and pick it up again on Monday.”
“Last time we spoke, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. Have you had time to think more about it? I’d love to hear your perspective.”
